The Real IKEA Assembly Guide

July 31, 2012 By 29 Comments

You should know something about me.

I can not resist the siren song that is IKEA. Her winding warehouse, her Swedish meatballs, her ridiculously low prices for things with names like “Spoang” and “Flerken”; I love it all.

This means that I have had the privilege to assemble more than one of her flatly packed pieces of furniture. Due to my impatient “DO IT NOW!” nature, I seldom wait for assistance in these projects, and I don’t exactly prepare for the project ahead of time.

This has resulted in some altering of the IKEA assembly manual.

Tools? IKEA products always come with one of those handy allen wrenches, so everything else can be managed with a coin. Or a blade of some sort. Dowels (which are very popular in these packages) can simply be slammed in place with a book, the palm of your hand, or your thumb.

Children should not be present when assembling furniture.

What? No rug or blanket to place underneath your project?

You don’t want to break your precious goods before you’ve oh-so-carefully pieced them together. By placing the heavy furniture on your legs as you work, you’ll keep both your wood floors AND your purchase safe.

This tactic can also be applied for moments when two people are needed, but only one is available. You’ll be amazed how you can contort yourself in the name of inexpensive furniture.

Well into the project, realize that you’ve put one or more pieces on backwards. You will only notice this because the holes needed to connect to another piece will be facing the wrong way.

Throw your hands in the air and flail about like one of those weird air creatures in front of car dealerships that are supposed to lure you in, but in reality give you nightmares.

Lay on the floor and cry. Drink copiously. Yell random Swedish words while you drown in tears, sweat, and your beverage of choice.

Splurg! Dragor! Hugad! VASENTLIG!

After yelling Swedish-sounding words to the sky, get a Thor-like second wind. Channel your inner Chris Hemsworth (mmmm…Hemsworth…) and run around the house with a rubber mallet yelling, “I am the GOD OF FURNITURE!”

Realize that the rubber mallet would have been helpful earlier when you were pushing dowels into tiny holes with your bare hands. Laugh at the fact that “dowels” sounds a lot like “bowels”.

Enter the tornado of remaining pieces, hungry for a finished bedframe. (Or bookcase, or table…)

WARNING: There will be blood.

Stand back and proudly look upon the fruit of your labors. Give the furniture a hardy shake. If it remains standing, disregard the leftover dowels and screws.

Breathe in the smell of success. It smells like sweat, metal, and a little urine.

Also, invest in a good First Aid Kit. I think you can find one at IKEA.

 

[ed. Confirmed. IKEA does have a First Aid Kit.]

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BHBC Review: The Chaperone

July 28, 2012 By 4 Comments

There are times when I will admit, simply looking at the cover of a book makes me want to read it. This month’s BlogHer Book Club selection, The Chaperone, is one of those cases.

I’m not a huge historical fiction fan, but Laura Moriarty does a solid job of transporting you to the 1920s, complete with the varying social issues taking place at the time. The main character, Cora, is a married and seemingly happy woman who serves as chaperone to a 15 year old girl on a trip to New York. This 15 year old is Louise Brooks, who goes on to be a real life film star, which adds an interesting element to the story.

I enjoyed learning about Louise’s real life, and the “what could have happened” nature of the story. Cora goes through a lot of personal changes during that summer in New York with young Louise, and the shift from who she was prior to that summer to who she becomes seems a bit extreme. This may have more to do with the novel’s pacing, as the last section of the book seems to race through a lengthy period, reading more as a narrative on Cora’s life, rather than involving the reader as part of the story.

If you are a fan of America in the 1920s or fictional tales involving real life people, this may be your kind of book.

 

I was compensated for this BlogHer Book Club Review, however, the thoughts expressed here are my own.

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Tell Me a Story – Part XVIII

July 26, 2012 By 4 Comments

Last week, Kate and Eli found themselves running from someone and hiding out in a TARDIS. (Geeky!)

I went with a variation of Debra Kristi’s comment:

Assuming they are at Comic-Con like Brian said I think they would be sitting duck in the booth. They make their way out the front, across the street and into the Gaslamp district. There is plenty of places to hide and get in trouble there! Maybe they’ll seek a cozy bar a few blocks away.

Since the story is set in Seattle, I chose to send them a few blocks from the Convention Center.

Here we go!

[Apologies for getting this up late - I've been out all day :) ]

~~~~~~~

“Okay, talk.”

Eli took a glance around the restaurant, looking unsure.

“Come on, Eli. We’ve walked in and out of half the stores in Pacific Place, not to mention the movie theater. I’m sure we’ve lost any tail we may have had.”

Eli stared at me for a moment, then pushed a menu in front of me. “You should order something.”

I slapped the menu down in front of him and started to slide out of the booth. He grabbed my wrist and pulled me back into my seat. In the corner of my eye, I could see a few people looking over. “We’ll talk, but you need to sit down and stop drawing attention.”

“Of course,” I sneered. “Can I have my wrist back?”

Eli let go and settled back into his seat, as a waiter appeared at the table.

“Can I start you two off with a beverage?”

I stared at Eli. I wasn’t in the mood to order. I wanted answers, not food.

“Two blonde bocks. And could you put an order of garlic fries in?” Eli handed the waiter our menus. “That’s all, thanks.”

“Of course, sir.”

Eli folded his hands in front of him and sighed as I stared back, waiting.

“So? Are you going to explain why we just left a guy in an electrical closet? Or why he might be following us in the first place?”

Eli sat silently for a moment, then leaned forward.

“My job can get complicated at times.”

“Complicated? You’re a headhunter.”

“Well, not entirely. I’m more of a consultant, remember? I identify problems, and then I fix them.”

“Fix them? Like the way you fixed that guy at the convention center?”

“No, that wasn’t a planned part of the job.”

“And what is this job?”

Eli shook his head as the waiter returned with our beers, watching as he walked away before he continued.

“I can’t go into detail about that.”

“Oh no? So, you can get my apartment trashed and bugged, get me followed in public, and who knows what else, but you can’t share? Nice.”

“Kate, it’s just not that simple–” I started to slide out of the booth again. “Fine! I’ll talk.”

“Why are you here, Eli? And what does any of it have to do with me?”

He took a long sip of his beer and spoke in a hushed voice.

“I’ve been hired to acquire a piece of software. It’s likely I’m not the only one looking to get it, not to mention the people who created it aren’t keen on losing it. Somehow, they found out I’m here. And, obviously, they think you are working with me. Really working with me.”

“So wait, if this is all true, why did you hire me?”

“It was a way to get closer to information I needed.”

“What information could I possibly have that you need?”

“It’s more who you know than what, Kate.”

~~~~~~~~

Who is Eli referring to? You choose.

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Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday – Football!

July 25, 2012 By 12 Comments

This week on Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday, we have a special theme! My fabulous writing partner Tiffany White debuted her novel Football Sweetheart last week. Here’s a little bit about her book:

Aimee Freeman is looking forward to the start of her senior year.  She knows her best friend Ella has been keeping secrets from her all summer long, but with football season right around the corner, the student trainer decides not to worry about it—they’ll have plenty of time to catch up on the field.

Then Ella goes missing, and Aimee realizes those secrets might be the key to finding her.  As the case unfolds, Aimee discovers more than one person may have wanted to harm Ella.  Was it Ella’s current boyfriend, a social outcast the entire city seems intent on blaming for her disappearance?  Or her ex-boyfriend, the beloved star quarterback who has harassed Ella since their breakup?  The list of potential suspects continues to grow after Aimee reads Ella’s journal, but she must first break her best friend’s secret code to reveal their identities.

Unbeknownst to Aimee, her investigation has not gone unnoticed.  Ella’s abductor is watching and waiting.  Will he decide Aimee needs to be silenced—making her the next target?

 

So, in recognition of Tiffany’s accomplishment, I queued up Friday Night Lights.

Friday Night Lights follows the lives of Texas high school football coach Eric Taylor (Kyle Chandler), his wife (Connie Britton) and daughter (Aimee Teegarden), and the various players and members of town in love with their football team, the Dillon Panthers.

I’ll admit, I never watched Friday Night Lights before this review. The only football I really watch is the Super Bowl (and the occasional college game), so I didn’t really think that I would connect to this show. Now that I am an embarrassingly large number of episodes into it, I’m sorry I didn’t watch when it was on TV.

Since the show has several characters, storylines are varied, so I won’t get into the details of those (particularly since even in the first episode, things happen that I don’t want to spoil).

What I will instead focus on is what makes this show work for me. The characters in this show are well rounded and relatable. Taking place in small town Texas, I honestly expected more caricatures, more stereotypes, but the writers didn’t take the easy way out on this. (Head writer Jason Katims is also responsible for Parenthood, so I shouldn’t be surprised.)

In addition to crafting compelling characters, Friday Night Lights is unique in that the shows were not rehearsed ahead of time. While being scripted, actors were encouraged to do and say what felt right to the character. Camera operators were directed to follow the performers (rather than having set blocking), giving the actors the freedom to act in a way that felt natural.

This may explain why some of the performances in the show pulled me in as much as they did. So much so that I had to stop myself from watching more so I could write this review. Not only did I care about the characters’ stories, but I even found myself enjoying the football scenes.

Despite the initial marketing efforts for the show which focused mainly on the football aspect of the show (quite possibly part of the reason that viewership was not as good as it should have been), the show is really about family and life, the good and the bad of it, giving everyone something to relate to.

I give Friday Night Lights a GTV, definitely worth queuing up all five seasons on Netflix. It may even make you want to head back to your old high school this football season.

Did you watch Friday Night Lights when it was on television? Have you watched in on Netflix? What do you think of the show? Can anyone watch and NOT develop a crush on Kyle Chandler?

Now, if you watched Friday Night Lights, or if the idea of High School Football in Texas appeals to you, be sure to check out Tiffany’s book Football Sweetheart!

Head over to Tiffany’s blog, where she highlights the YA drama side of things with her revisit of Pretty Little Liars.

Come back next week we begin the 2012 Tamberny Awards…

Remember to stop by the #watchwed hashtag in Twitter to discuss any of today’s reviews, or to mention any television programs that you’d like to see on Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday in the future.

A Recap of The WatchWed Review System:

GTV (Gourmet TV): Everything we want and more
MacTV (MacNCheese TV): Guilty pleasure. Not perfect, but is satisfies
GMacTV (Gourmet MacNCheese TV): A combination of fine wine and comfort food
JFTV (Junk food TV): It’s not great for us, but we’ll go back for seconds
TBPTV (Twice Baked Potato TV): Part gourmet and delicious, while absolutely horrible for our cholesterol
SSTV (Still Simmering TV): It has potential, but the jury is still out
NIV (Nyquil Induced Viewing): Perfect for that late night television sleep timer
LOTV (Liver&Onions TV): Do we really have to explain? Blech

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