Confidence versus Doubt: Becoming a Better You

July 13, 2012 By 31 Comments

Today is the day that I generally try to share something encouraging. Get the weekend off to a positive start and all that.

And then I saw this:

I’ve been thinking about this for some time. Dipping your toes into any “artistic pool” (writers, photographers, etc) it always amazes me how people view themselves. It seems that when I have the opportunity to read/view work that is witty or uniquely composed, the creator is full of doubt, constantly second guessing themselves.

What I see far more often is the person whose work is, at best, average (but often, so much worse than that), who exudes confidence in what they produce. Some are so sure of themselves that they go around telling others how to be better at their craft, how to be successful (even if they haven’t had any kind of measurable success themselves). They also don’t take feedback well, unless the feedback is “hey, how’d you get to be so full of awesome”.

This isn’t specific to artists and their work, either. There is a seeming increase in people who act as if they are perfect, without any room for improvement, and should be treated accordingly.

Maybe it’s a new generation, a generation that grew up with reality TV stars, people who garnered fortune and fame for merely existing, or worse yet, for their scandalous behavior. Maybe it’s a generation who grew up with parents who praised them for every little accomplishment (“way to get a D on your report card!”), a generation filled with the idea that they are “perfect as they are”. Maybe it’s a generation growing up with YouTube and blogs and social media, where their ego is stroked with every hit, view, like, and follower they get.

Whatever the reasons, man, it’s annoying.

And honestly, it’s more than annoying. If everyone is running around thinking everything they produce is awesome, that there is no room in their lives for improvement, then everything stagnates.

People don’t try to be better, they just become self-involved. Why look externally if what’s internal is so amazing?

Maybe doubt is there for a reason. To keep us hungry for something better. To make us listen to critique, even when we don’t want to, and find ways to improve.

Maybe life shouldn’t just be so simple as “just be you“. Maybe it should focus more on being the best you.

And maybe that starts by focusing less on ourselves and our wants and our talents, and more on those around us.

 

[In line with focusing on others needs, please go check out the GoWithout campaign reboot. I'll have a special surprise for everyone when we get our first ten participants.]

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Friday Inspiration – Making It Work

May 18, 2012 By 47 Comments

For as long as I can remember, I never felt like I completely fit in. I was never a total outcast, mind you. I even had popular friends. On occasion, I got invited to the “cool kid” parties. I had friends who were jocks, cheerleaders, academics, drama geeks, and honestly, even teachers.

But I rarely felt like I belonged.

When I was younger I wanted everyone to like me. EVERYONE. My parents, teachers, peers, complete strangers; it is entirely possible that I appeared to have multiple personalities at the time. You like hockey? Federov is the man! You find pop music detestable? Let me burn my Boyz II Men CD*.

It was an exhausting existence.

Not that it was all bad. I learned that I did in fact enjoy hockey. I exposed myself to new things I wouldn’t have otherwise and came to love them. Some things faded, like using lots of hair product and makeup, but others became parts of who I am.

Now, as an adult, there are very few people with whom I am truly at ease and completely myself. I say “as an adult”, as if adulthood changes things, but honestly people still behave very much like they did in high school. There are still cliques. There are still the people who think they are the “cool kids”. There are still people that make me feel like an outsider, no matter how much of an effort I make to be a friend.

The difference is I don’t try nearly as hard to be a person they want to accept.

Don’t get me wrong. I still try new things and try to be accommodating to others tastes and preferences as I get to know them. I’m a people pleaser and was raised to think of the needs of others. But I now know that street shouldn’t be one way. If I am the only one making an effort, than it may be best to move on.

Since I started writing (well, since I started writing publicly, not just in my own little cave) I’ve been able to enjoy meeting others who enjoy the things that I do, who “get” me. I’ve even met those who may be very different than me, but supportive and caring nonetheless. But I’ve also met the same cliquey folks who may as well still be in high school.

The good thing is that I don’t feel like I have to please the high school folk anymore.

This lesson is one that I try to apply specifically to my writing as I put more of myself out there. For a long time, I didn’t do anything more than write stories for myself (or the occasional email exchange with a coworker composed entirely of haiku). I’ve done a solid job of amusing myself, friends, and even a colleague or two (or more).

Every time I hit the publish button, every time I send another page of my novel to my writing partners, I get a knot in my stomach. Will they like it? Will I be accepted? Will I be one of the cool kids?

In the end, no matter how much my stomach knots, acceptance doesn’t matter. In the writing world there are still cliques. There are still people that befriend you that have no real interest in being your friend. There are people that will give their opinion who don’t actually care about you or your work. Somebody is going to roll their eyes and ignore my work.

But someone else will like it. And someone else will even love my work.

And that work is me. It’s not me trying to fit some image of what someone else thinks my writing should be.

Don’t get me wrong. Critique is fine. That’s why I have writing partners. They tell me when something absolutely doesn’t work. They tell me when something raises an eyebrow (not in a good way), and occasionally they tell me when I’ve made a choice they wouldn’t have made. But then they let it lie in my hands. I take everything they say to heart, but I make the decision in the end, not to please them, but to make the work better.

And to make the work who I am.

Amidst the endless (really, have you seen all the links on Twitter? Endless) advice on what you must and never do when you write, it can be easy to change our writing to fit what we think is expected of us. It is easy to force ourselves to fit in.

Some changes can benefit us. (Seriously, hockey is pretty awesome.) But if we change everything, our writing ceases to be our art. It just becomes a copy of everything else out there.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want every book I read to be from the same author, even the ones I adore.

In the end, you have to learn to make it work. For your writing. For you.

*Burn, like with fire, not make a copy. Also, I did not destroy the sweet harmonies of Boyz II Men. To the end of the road, indeed.

~~~~

Here are a couple links I loved this week. Go. Read ‘em. Then Sunday, get your butt out of the house and watch the solar eclipse.

From Yuri Baranovsky, my hands down favorite post this week, 9 Problems of Being an Artist. If you only click one link in this post, make that the one. (And if you haven’t checked out Leap Year yet, go get familiar with Yuri’s work. Talent, he has it.)

Serial fiction has become a recent interest, one in which I delved with no actual research, so I found this post really interesting, and oddly encouraging: Why Your Serial Fiction Is Likely To Fail And What You Can Do About It

On the whole TIME magazine, breastfeeding/parenting debate/debacle hullabaloo, an amusing male perspective on breastfeeding: From Breasts to Boobs and Back Again

Summertime is “up ons” us. Here is my plan for looking good when it gets here. An oldie, but a goodie.

For your general amusement, have any of you been watching The Daly Show? (That is not a typo.) Check out this one, guest starring Nathan Fillion. And if you were a Wings fan, you must view this and this.

Annnnd…if you are going to heed my advice on checking out the eclipse, check out this article to find out where and when to see it. Sadly, being in Stinktown, USA (a.k.a. Florida) means I won’t get to see it, so I expect pictures, people.

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Beware of the Confidence Man

October 18, 2011 By 86 Comments

Yesterday I read a post from a fellow writer, hurt and disappointed to discover that a writer he supported was copying the work of others, claiming it as his own.  We aren’t talking a simple idea that may have somehow crept into his subconscious and escaped in a story by accident.  We are talking about a case of copy/paste plagiarism.

http://sidneyrigdon.com/criddle/Smith-ConMan.htmTo make matters worse, this guy was selling writing workshops and critiques, profiting from a fake reputation he built on the coattails of other writers.  I feel for those who were taken in and may have lost money to this guy (not to mention the damage he may have done to their writing).

Today I feel compelled to voice a warning.  Why?  Not just because this guy fooled people, but because there were signs that he was not someone to be trusted.

The first time I had a conversation with him, I attempted to make polite conversation about the project he was working on.  He went into grand detail about his story, and polite comments from me like “that sound interesting” were met with “I know, it’s amazing” and a lot of self congratulation on his brilliance.

After some time, he asked about my project.  Already turned off, but not wanting to be rude, I gave him a little description. He proceeded to demand a logline, telling me what my logline must have, and giving his opinion (stated as absolute law) about the story, telling me the fact that I couldn’t (or more accurately wouldn’t) deliver a logline to him showed I obviously didn’t know my story and needed to start over.

I changed the subject and let the conversation fizzle.  I didn’t know this man from Adam, so I started to poke around his blog, heading first to the About Me page.  Here is what I read:

On a mid-summer’s day in 1982, the many universes in the ominverse produced a being. A being which would harbor the foresight to look into many worlds and beyond them all. That being was me. Terrell Mims. I am a writer.

Like most people born with special abilities, at age 12 my powers began to manifest. I began to see worlds different than my own. Worlds filled with angels, demons, armor clad superheroes, aliens, and globe trotting super rich teenagers. These visions filled me in my waking day and in my dreams.

I needed answers. I needed to know why I could see so many places and people. At age 20, I was led to a university where I studied under many wise sages and one told me of a prophecy. “A male shall be born. He shall see the worlds and proclaim their existence.” The sage didn’t know what to do so I left to find my answer. My quest took me from the jazz and Mardi Gras streets of New Orleans to the rainy mountainous Pacific Northwest down to the tropical beaches of Miami. No answer came.

Along my travels, I came across a black-robed figure. I didn’t know if it was a demon, fallen angel, or elf in serious need of a wardrobe update. He urged me to stop my quest. He claimed it to be as fruitful as searching for the legendary Phoenix.

I ignored his words and pushed forward ultimately coming to Dallas, Texas where I met others of my kind. Others who were born with the gift to see into other worlds, yet when I told them of what I saw they proclaimed “He is the one. He shall see what lies beyond.”

I stayed and studied and discovered my destiny. I was to tell the world of what lies beyond. I began to work, but the figure returned. His name was Failure. Failure sought to deter me, to push me from my goal, but I pursued. I needed to be what the world needed. A writer. A force to proclaim stories of other worlds.

I fled across the world, but the Failure kept behind me until he caught me. Our struggle lasted for months. Blood, sweat, and tears were shed yet I bested him. He retreated, but swore to return. I welcome his challenge.

As I looked around me, I saw where I was. I was surrounded in light. Creative power. I spoke out into the light, “Here I stand. At the path of Angels. The center of the Universe”

When I stopped laughing (at, not with) alarm bells went off.  Could this guy be serious?  The world “needed” him?  ”The Center of the Universe”?

The alarms continued as I read some of his blog posts, including one where discussed climbing a mountain as a drawn out metaphor for reaching his goal of being a NYTBSA.  Aside from the post being a trite rehash of something I’m sure he heard or read, in this particular post I found this gem:

Who’s here to help me climb and who’s here to congratulate me on the climb? Those going on the climb are coming with me and the others are relegated to “see you on Facebook.”

That’s right folks. He may grace your Facebook wall with his presence, but don’t expect him to bring potato salad to your next barbecue.

It always was about his success, and your support didn’t mean much unless you were going to be just as successful (so he could use your success to push himself higher).

He presented his work with self-adulation and over the top confidence.  At best, he was someone who was trying to bury his own insecurities, at worst, he was a narcissist, someone with a “willingness to exploit others and an inflated sense of self-importance”*.

I don’t present all of this to beat a dead horse, but to warn others.  I’ve heard a lot of “but he seemed like such a nice guy”.  He played a part.  He flattered those he thought could get him somewhere, he used other writers credentials to promote himself as an expert, and he always spoke about himself and his work with great confidence.

Do you know what the “con” in con man stands for?  Confidence.

http://www.mastermarf.com/2008/05/motivational-monday-overconfidence.htmlIn the end, he is getting his comeuppance, and I am glad that it happened sooner than later.  But for next time, beware of the confidence man.

*text in quotes in this sentence taken directly from Wikipedia article on narcissism

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Why It’s Worth a Watch Wednesday – TNT Knows Drama

June 29, 2011 By 22 Comments

This week on #watchwed, we move away from ABC Family over to TNT, where they claim, “We know drama”.

Based on today’s series, I tend to agree.

Andre Braugher, Ray Romano, Scott Bakula

“Men of a Certain Age” (TNT, Wednesdays 10 PM) follows the lives and relationships of three best friends, Joe, Terry and Owen, all men in their late forties.

In a time where I can only recall shows that focus on the female group dynamic (“Sex and the City”, “CougarTown”, and other shows that make me cringe), MoCA is refreshingly original.

Joe, played by one of show’s creators, Ray Romano, is a slightly neurotic father of two, recently separated from his wife.  He aspires to join the Senior Golf tour while managing a party supply store he owns.  He is also dealing with a gambling addiction.

Terry (Scott Bakula), a long time struggling actor, spends the first season dating women half his age, but as the show continues, he finds himself wanting stability and commitment, to the surprise of his friends, as well as himself.

Owen (Andre Braugher), the stable one of the crew of three, is a donut eating diabetic, happily married with two kids.  While he has a relatively good family life, he finds himself dealing with issues of confidence while living, almost literally, in his father’s shadow, a former NBA player and owner of the car dealership where Owen works.

The cast in this show is excellent.  Award winning actor Andre Braugher (Homicide: Life on the Street) turns in the expected brilliant performance scene after scene, and Scott Bakula is as charming as his Quantum Leap days.  Perhaps more so.

The surprise here is in Ray Romano.  I’ve always liked him, but never was a big fan of his hit sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond”.  I blame Patricia Heaton.  Due to his comedic rise to fame, I never took him for a serious actor.

He is perfect in his role as Joe.  He portrays his neurosis and anxiety in a manner that makes our heart ache for him.  The self deprecating nature of his personality also delivers some great laughs that never feel forced in the midst of every day life.

This is a drama, but just like real life, there is plenty of humor, particularly in scenes where the three sit together at their regular diner discussing their “man issues”.  (Note: If you are a parent who is concerned about what you have on in the house, keep in mind this is a show that centers around three middle aged men. There is occasional “adult” language and situations. Ergo the 10 o clock time slot.)

This is not a show about plot so much as it is about people and relationships.  Realistic ones.  Each character is believably flawed and likeable.  With each character being so different, there is a solid chance you will find yourself connecting with at least one.

This is one of the most solid shows on TV right now, so for that, I give it a GTV.  No empty calories here.  This is wholly fulfilling television.

A caveat: Do not get attached to shows I give a GTV.  Historically, the men in the white tower who make all TV related decisions take away any TV show I think is quality.  I may be the kiss of death.  Just sayin’.

Do you watch Men of a Certain Age?  Are you a man of a certain age?  Do you think you need to be one to “get” this show?  Which character keeps you watching? 

Now, be sure to head over to Tiffany White’s blog to check out the new TNT drama Franklin and Bash. 

Next week, we’ll be filling you in on some cop drama.  Lifetime’s The Protector and TNT’s Memphis Beat.

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