You should know something about me.

I can not resist the siren song that is IKEA. Her winding warehouse, her Swedish meatballs, her ridiculously low prices for things with names like “Spoang” and “Flerken”; I love it all.

This means that I have had the privilege to assemble more than one of her flatly packed pieces of furniture. Due to my impatient “DO IT NOW!” nature, I seldom wait for assistance in these projects, and I don’t exactly prepare for the project ahead of time.

This has resulted in some altering of the IKEA assembly manual.

Tools? IKEA products always come with one of those handy allen wrenches, so everything else can be managed with a coin. Or a blade of some sort. Dowels (which are very popular in these packages) can simply be slammed in place with a book, the palm of your hand, or your thumb.

Children should not be present when assembling furniture.

What? No rug or blanket to place underneath your project?

You don’t want to break your precious goods before you’ve oh-so-carefully pieced them together. By placing the heavy furniture on your legs as you work, you’ll keep both your wood floors AND your purchase safe.

This tactic can also be applied for moments when two people are needed, but only one is available. You’ll be amazed how you can contort yourself in the name of inexpensive furniture.

Well into the project, realize that you’ve put one or more pieces on backwards. You will only notice this because the holes needed to connect to another piece will be facing the wrong way.

Throw your hands in the air and flail about like one of those weird air creatures in front of car dealerships that are supposed to lure you in, but in reality give you nightmares.

Lay on the floor and cry. Drink copiously. Yell random Swedish words while you drown in tears, sweat, and your beverage of choice.

Splurg! Dragor! Hugad! VASENTLIG!

After yelling Swedish-sounding words to the sky, get a Thor-like second wind. Channel your inner Chris Hemsworth (mmmm…Hemsworth…) and run around the house with a rubber mallet yelling, “I am the GOD OF FURNITURE!”

Realize that the rubber mallet would have been helpful earlier when you were pushing dowels into tiny holes with your bare hands. Laugh at the fact that “dowels” sounds a lot like “bowels”.

Enter the tornado of remaining pieces, hungry for a finished bedframe. (Or bookcase, or table…)

WARNING: There will be blood.

Stand back and proudly look upon the fruit of your labors. Give the furniture a hardy shake. If it remains standing, disregard the leftover dowels and screws.

Breathe in the smell of success. It smells like sweat, metal, and a little urine.

Also, invest in a good First Aid Kit. I think you can find one at IKEA.

 

[ed. Confirmed. IKEA does have a First Aid Kit.]